Being present hurts.

For as long as I can remember, everything that didn’t feel good, I ran from. Trauma caused me to go into survival mode. And often that looked like living in a fantasy world, I know that sounds wild but it’s true.

When pain and trauma reared it’s head, I would dig deep into other things to “escape” reality. Spending hours somewhere else to forget everything. Or just sleeping the days away.

Sometimes, reality hurts. I don’t like pain, I mean no one really does. I had dealt with my fair share of it from the time I was a toddler all the way up until I was an adolescent! I’m talking physical, emotional, you name it! Extreme pain and trauma intertwined throughout this story of mine..

And as much as I hated it, I can’t change it.

As a young adult I used social media as a coping mechanism, but it got the best of me. Being broken was something I hated to admit, I didn’t want people to know, so I refused to confront my past. I guarded my wounds everyone, even from God Himself without realizing it. Him showing me, me hurt but He was right. I let social media be the pacifier of choice. A band-aid that would only cover the wounds underneath. A bandage that would cause further destruction if I didn’t let a professional intervene.

Who? God- Jehovah Rapha— healer. Binder of all wounds. Psalm 147:3 — The enemy made me believe I was too far gone to save, that my wounds were going to never heal, and for years I believed it.

Of course this is not how my story ends, while the enemy had me convinced that I would die in my suffering, God flipped it all around!!!! My heart is healing now and in the healing there’s so much pain. But I’ve found that when you do this with God it’s not unbearable. Especially because He’s right there in the midst of the chaos with you. Never leaving us, guiding us and loving us. He promised and He’s never lied!

If I could tell you one thing trust God’s process, choose healing every time. Feeling all those feels isn’t fun but with all the feeling comes healing, freedom, and peace. — I’m rooting for you, you’ve absolutely got this. Stay present in His presence it’ll change everything.

2/16/21

I told the lady Soft glam and she went a bit overboard, make up cracks me up. Definitely not my norm. When I was a young girl I never really liked make up and all that girly girl stuff. Due to trauma, I didn’t find myself beautiful, I tried to camouflage my shape. I didn’t like people looking at me or making comments especially nice ones. I know, weird to those who don’t know my story!

Compliments were just so hard to receive and believe, they made me so uncomfortable . So I didn’t allow myself to accept them. Eventually I allowed myself to go completely down hill due to depression. I gained over 70 pounds in a year and I didn’t care. I know, terrible.

It wasn’t until 2020 that I really wanted more for my life. So I had a heart to heart with God. I wanted to heal and deal with those things that tried to kill me, every falsehood I took on as my identity. And it started to happen!

God came and cleansed me and delivered me from that spirit of depression, rejection and those false identities from 20+ years ago.

So in 2021 I reclaimed my life! I went and did a photoshoot for my birthday! I celebrated life and victory over everything that tried to destroy me! This year new pictures are coming and this time wholeness is my story. I’m so , so thankful, you have no idea. ❤️

God’s GPS 🧭

When you think you got your life all under control and then God reroutes, flips, and wrecks your plans with His perfect will. Has it ever happen to you? What did you feel? We’re you sad , frustrated, or anxious? Confused? I know I was a combination of them all…

As some of you know I loved doing events and all of the shenanigans that come with that. Garland, balloons, designing, baking, and favors. I loved seeing the joy on everyone’s face when they saw what I came up with. I thought yesss this is it— this is my calling, my purpose. I love it here! Lol

So, I started out on that venture loving it so much, but after a while, I felt different about it, like something was missing. I prayed and prayed about it because I never want to do anything that God isn’t in. And boom clear as day I heard Him say “ You’re to help lost souls!”

First of all I had no idea what that looked like or even what He meant and then He showed me! I kept having dreams, feeling the heaviness of His heart, His concerns, the brokenness of the lost- I felt it all. I cried and cried about it. I was so heavy for days. I still didn’t know what helping them looked like. And God soon let me know — Christian Counseling!

At first I thought it was a mistake because if you know my story then you already know. Trauma, pain, and more trauma— my story is full of it. Which is why I felt like I wasn’t a great candidate for such a powerful assignment. But I was going to be obedient nonetheless, however that looked, I was willing to try.

I was in prayer and I had asked God for direction, college was the first instruction, but which one? I was led through prayer and confirmation of a loved one. I ended up enrolling into an amazing college who’s foundation was built strictly on Christ! — BONUS… but as good as it sounded, I had so many questions. Like was I able to to go from one career path to another that’s so foreign? Would I be okay? I cried so much, because whew this was a lot to handle! Faith was tested big time.

As I started preparing for enrollment, I found myself nervous I would somehow not be accepted into this school. Until I received my acceptance letter in the mail! I literally kept it quiet only telling 2 people about it, I finally began to get excited about it.

September school starts and it’s not easy at all. I pulled endless all nighters, cried through assignments, prayed through quizzes, and worshipped while I wrote 10-12 page papers. And I never ever turned in one late assignment.

While doing so, I still felt like I wasn’t capable or that my grades would never be good enough. Y’all— I was tearing myself down, I was so afraid of failure. But what I couldn’t see is that God was teaching me a lesson the entire time. Every graded assignment I’d receive back was amazing, the feedback from my instructors all positive! And every time I felt God’s nudge… I heard Him say, “stop underestimating yourself.” — why?because I belong to Him, I’m more than a conqueror.

The semester is over and I finished out with amazing grades! So much so that this evening, I checked my school emails and saw I landed on the Dean’s list! And received a certificate from the AACC for completing my counseling course with good grades! My first semester of school completed! — ONLY GOD!!!

Moral of the story, when God reroutes your path, trust that He’s got this and YOU! He never fails and He won’t let you, all it takes is a little faith! This has been a hard year but yet SO full of God’s goodness! — Thankful is an understatement 😭🥺

Share one of your favorite or non favorite God moments that shifted your life? I’d love to hear it! Share in the comments or DM me! Remember the best is yet to come, trust Him and hold on to Him.

God… does He exist? The Encounter

One moment in His presence changed my life!

How do you know God is real?

This is a question I’ve gotten a time or two!

For a long time, I didn’t have an answer to their question. Why you ask? Because I struggled with belief myself.

I grew up not truly knowing God. I based my faith off of what I was taught or heard from family and in church. As small child and as I grew older, due to trauma, I barricaded myself! I shielded my heart from everything, and I chose to masquerade my brokenness the best I could! And for a while, it worked for me.

As time went on, I began to teeter totter with questions… “Is God even real? If so, how could He allow so many bad things happen to an innocent person, over and over again?! Why didn’t He intervene? I want to die, why won’t He take me? Did He see my pain, my suffering? Why didn’t He stop it?” Such heavy questions, questions I didn’t dare ask out loud…

One day I said, “ Lord if you’re real, please show me, show me a sign, show me a move of You! My heart wants to believe in You. But I can’t feel you near… It hurts, I don’t know what to do. I don’t what to say.

As time went on I didn’t feel anything and grew even more frustrated, so I quit praying. I continued to go to church and live “normally”. — It took me to get to my lowest low and I literally, fell to the floor. I was so discouraged, the pain unbearable.

I was losing hope, I truly believed I would die in my dysfunction. I found enough strength to get off of the floor, and to pull out my Bible. I whispered, “Lord please show me a sign. Are You real? Are You here? do You hear me? Please.”

(Little did I know, He knew what my heart was feeling, He knew what my mind was thinking.)

Guys, He came that night, just for a moment to show me how REAL He was. *Cue the sobs*

I was sitting at the kitchen table at my grandma’s with my Bible. Trying to find something to read, all the while, fighting so many thoughts. All of a sudden, I felt a coolness, as if the air was on all around me, but it wasn’t, it was His presence.

I saw something move in the corner of my eye. So turned my head to look down at the bible. Y’all, the page began to move! I focused my eyes on the page more. It was moving, I wasn’t touching it at all! My hands were in my lap. My eyes widened and the pages were literally moving at the corner. Then all of a sudden the page completely turned and it was so obvious, who was there with me. My eyes filled up with tears instantly!

I couldn’t comprehend it then, but I was really marveling at God! In awe! The coolness, the peace, His presence! Him flipping the page in my bible! I still get teary eyed to this day.

I knew that was His way of saying He had this, He’s near, He’s REAL, and really He loved me! That He heard my every thought, prayer, word and silent cry! Even as a small girl. He honored my prayer, even when I had my doubts. 😭

Since this encounter, He’s been so, so faithful to me! Showing me Himself countless times, speaking in the midnight hour. Whether it be through the Bible, audibly, or in my dreams. He’s so faithful. My heart is SO full! I’m SO unworthy!

I want you to know that same God is waiting for you to surrender, and for you to let Him in so He can heal you! If you feel His nudge, let Him in. If you’re struggling to do so, read these scriptures below. There’s many more you can search out!👇🏾

Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 41:13, Mark 11:22-24, John:5:14, Psalm 94:19, Psalm 130:5, Psalm 66:17 BE ENCOURAGED, He will not fail you!❤️

For those who have a story, take this time to share with me and others about your encounter with God! I’m so excited and would love to hear it!!

Trauma, The Aftermath.

Trauma and it’s residue isn’t the end of your story. God’s birthing testimonies that will heal hearts and lead others to Him, through you .✨

Trauma tends to alter who God intentionally called us to be. It leaves wounds and a whirlwind of pain. Pain that overshadows everything you knew, pain that blinds you.

Trauma misconstrues your identity, it literally takes your peace and exchanges it with anxiety. It can cause you to shut down, it can cause your heart to harden and your faith to crumble under the weight of brokenness.

Even more, trauma can cause you to miss God. It can close off your sensitivity to His voice and presence. I’m a whole witness! Talk about lonely and scary!

However, I found out that if we invite God into our chaos, He’ll take over, and things begin to change for the good.

As your barriers come down, His divine wisdom and love begins to work together. Rerouting, reclaiming, and transforming you into the person He called you to be. Although it’s a process, and there are times we can’t see past our pain, He’s at work.

Those ashes of yours, are never wasted. He has them intertwined with His purpose. Molding your heart, healing your scars, revealing His love for you , and your identity. He changes your story into something so beneficial to His kingdom, something so wholesome, something lasting.

As He calms the waves of your storm, as His light penetrates the darkness, and as your heart begins to mend, you’ll see the big picture. You’ll come truly know the purpose of the pain and use it to help others overcome.

This my friends happens when you’re healed. This is Divine deliverance! Being made whole in Him! It’s not an easy walk and there is some pain in the healing. But it’s beautiful, so, so beautiful.

Embrace it!❤️ 😭

Breaking it off and healing

Transparency Heals:

Brokenness can change your whole life. You decide what happens next. I chose healing ✨

One thing I’ve always desired is to be a wife and mom someday. I mean being a mama to my siblings came natural in a sense. —However that desire changed.

Most of you know that when you go through trauma of any sort, it shifts you from being excited about life to having anxiety about everything, literally. ( dealt with this for 20+ years)

Some of my friends and I would talk about the future and what we desired. I would silently ask myself, how could I be a good wife or mom in the future, when I’m broken and numb?

Loving from a broken place is a recipe for disaster. And knowing that stopped me in many ways from living my life. I thought that was it, I just knew I would never get to experience any of it because of my past and the trauma.

Little did I know, God had a plan. — He crossed my path with some amazing women who share similar testimonies, who overcame it all. And that’s when the game changed. 🤍

It starts with your mind. The Bible says in Proverbs 23:7 “ For as a man thinketh, so is He. “ — I began to ask God for help because for so long, I believed the lies of the enemy. I didn’t want to live, I was robbed of so much and that’s a hard truth. I didn’t want to love because loving too hard had stolen so much from me. But, as I prayed, I desired things to change.

I sat in my room, grabbed a journal, and began to write out what I thought about myself . Most of it lies. Lies that altered my identity. I wrote about the things I’ve dealt with, and curses that hit our bloodline.

The biggest one being brokenness. Brokenness can make you do and say anything. And if you’re not careful, it’ll trickle down into the next generation. — And there you have it! A generational curse.

— As a teenager I couldn’t figure this out and that resulted in me being bitter towards others. Not realizing that broken people, hurt people. Because that’s all they know. I then came to realize that I couldn’t expect others to be there in the way I needed them to be in every season of my life . — Another hard truth.

How could they be when they’re not even able to help themselves? All that’ll do is project their toxicity on you, making things worse.

As hard as it was going through my trauma without them, I thank God for revelation. Because had He not done this, I would have given up completely, never gone to God, or even healed. I thank Him for showing me there’s more to life than what I was settling for, and the divine connections He’s placed in my life.

For His unwavering promises that He never reneges on the promise of when He allows me to become a wife and mother in the future, I will be whole. That I’ll raise up a generation on fire for God, a generation that’s whole from the start. Children who won’t have to heal from their childhood! (That’s a HUGE deal to me.) .

A promise that’s soon to come. All because I gave my God my yes. 😭

My life changed when I said no to generational curses and yes to healing. He’s good y’all.

Transparency..

As I look back over my life. And I’m in awe of God’s goodness and mercy towards me. When I was born I wasn’t expected to live, I was born several months early! From the time I was born, all the way into my 20’s, I endured quite a bit of warfare! Stuff most don’t survive! Why? Because the pain is too great! Especially without God. – Y’all just know how close suicide was at my door or how much I struggled to even want to live!

I suffered through a lot of it in silence! Which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. All because I was afraid of the judgment. Plus reliving it and talking about it hurt! I also wanted to live up to everyone’s expectations. Going to college, getting a car, my own place and dealing with so much more. I tried, completely broken. No one really understood the depth. Being broken you CAN’T do anything, if you’ve never been here, you will never understand it. As much as I wanted to be the very best, I was VERY broken, no, shattered. I felt like nobody would EVER understand. The late nights I cried alone silently, the pain was so deep. The next morning I would wake up like nothing ever happened, and go on with my day.

But it never got better. I became so mean and bitter. I then went from angry to broken and l then sad. I snapped often, I was also VERY defensive. All those emotions overtook my life! I got to the point where I wanted to be free. I just didn’t know how.

I finally got on my knees and cried out to God. And I mean CRIED! I don’t know how long I was down there. I didn’t know if He was going to answer me. All I knew was the pain was too much. I struggled with believing in Him. I heard of God and Jesus. I went to church faithfully growing up. I just didn’t have a personal relationship with Him. So I didn’t know Him or haven’t experienced Him personally. As I sat there, I felt a coolness, a Heavenly presence was in the room. It was peaceful. I opened my bible up, I didn’t know where to go from there but He did. God vegan flipped the pages of the Bible that sat in front of me, I began to weep! He proved Himself to me. A doubter. But even in this, I felt so many mixed emotions. I couldn’t understand why I had to endure what I did or why He picked me. Why I was so broken, or what love was. I felt so discouraged, like my life meant nothing and was nothing. But God soon let me know I was chosen to endure this, to be an example for someone else, to show them that it’s possible, through Him to overcome any form of brokenness, abuse or sickness!

Today I’m beyond grateful! Through God, endless counseling sessions with my Christian therapist, the prayer warriors over me and my sister in Christ Amanda Ferguson, I’m healing! I’m growing, I’m learning to love who God is forming me to be. So here I am celebrating life. Another birthday I swore I wouldn’t see! To see yet another birthday is a miracle in my eyes! I said this last year, I know but if you’ve ever gone through what I’ve been through you’d understand the depth of gratitude I have! It’s not always happy, happy joy filled days. I have several days where I’m tired and I cry. And I’m okay with this, it means I’m healing. It’s all apart of my journey.

One thing I’ve learned is that I serve an “ I don’t care how broken you are, just let me love you back to life, kind of God!” He’s been faithful in the healing business!

Every single day I wake up is God’s way of reminding me of how much He loves me! And how I was worth fighting for, even when I couldn’t believe it. Going through the trials I’ve endured hurt, but nothing and I mean NOTHING can convince me that God is not REAL and that He doesn’t save! – I’m living proof that even the most tattered heart means the most to Him.

My birthday is a reminder of the new life I was given when He once again breathed into my dying body. When He restored the hope I deemed to be forever lost. Today was such a powerful birthday. It wasn’t about the gifts, gift cards and flowers. Although they warmed my heart, it was the love that completely overtook me. The overwhelming love, a Godly love. Oh how it weighed so heavy on me. The tears filled my eyes, God knew what I needed today. Y’all I can’t believe how far I’ve come! These are 20’s I swore I wouldn’t live to see. I knew I would be dead and gone! But that was not at all the case! God turned it!!! I’m a new creation through His perfect love! Although, I am nowhere near who I want to be, I am thankful that I’m not who I used to be. I’m healing, and for that, I’m forever thankful!

Reckless Love

Scripture:

Luke 15:1-10 (I recommend you read the whole chapter though.)

“Then all the tax collectors and the sinners drew near to Him to hear Him. And the Pharisees and scribes complained, saying, “This Man  receives sinners and eats with them.”So He spoke this parable to them, saying: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and neighbors, saying to them,‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I say to you that likewise there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance. “Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls her friends and neighbors together, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the piece which I lost!’ Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Definition:

Reckless: carelessness, irresponsibility, thoughtlessness when it comes to actions and consequences!

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.

Both words mean two completely different things. But what happens when the words collide. What is reckless love? What does it mean?

When I first heard the phrase, “reckless love”- I didn’t have a clue what it was, nor what it meant. But it caught my attention, so I decided to research it.  Reckless love is a love that never wavers, it pursues after you, even when we aren’t deserving.  It never waivers or dies. I thought about it and I couldn’t really point out any personal experiences of this. Until I thought about God’s love.

I began to look over my life, all the pain, tears, and brokenness that consumed me. The wounds that left behind after every battle I’ve gone through. Scars I wear today, scars that prove I’ve overcome! But not on my own, with God, God’s love, His Reckless Love!! I did indeed experience reckless love! Way back on Calvary, when my selfless savior died a gruesome death for me. It was God’s reckless love that caused Him to come and see about me. He came when I was deep in the trenches of depression and darkness. It was His reckless love that stopped me from committing suicide. Sending my sister in at just the right time to take the knife. It was His love the that helped me feel at peace in the wreck I called life. I was torn up and I honestly waited for it to consume me, literally.

I was constantly warring and found myself ready to give up. But one day, God came to see me, I was in the kitchen at my grandmother’s house. I was having issues with my faith, which has always been a battle throughout my life. I knew He was real, but when He was silent it got hard to believe. I asked Him with tears in my eyes ” If you’re really real like I want to believe, come visit me, show Yourself. Soon after, I took my bible out and began to search the pages. I said, ” Lord if You hear me, please tell me where to read, where am I to go?” I sat there, I felt defeated yet again until something caught my eye.

I saw something move, I saw out the corner of my eye, and couldn’t believe it, the pages of my Bible were moving! My hands were in my lap at the time. There weren’t any fans or the air going. Nor were there any windows open. God was moving the pages with His finger, once my eyes studied the movement, He turned the pages! He was there, He loved me even in my doubt, even when I was upset with God, He still loved me. He still chose to come see about me, His reckless love proves to be faithful no matter what. The tears began to flow down my cheeks, that encounter was only the beginning.

After that encounter, I could feel a peaceful presence standing at my bed, watching me, a protective presence! He would speak to me, I began to see flickers of light (angels) outside my window. He began to show me reminders of His love through the signs in the sky, through His word, an answered prayer, and through other people. He’s done so much for me and Y’all I don’t deserve it!  I was in the muddiest of messes. I have messed up countless times. And I know I will fall short again down the road. But He never takes His love away, He loves us through it!

His reckless love is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m thankful that Jesus saw fit to leave His flock of 99 sheep (the righteous followers)  to come get me, the 1 lost sheep! When by right, He should’ve turned His back on me and left me in my sinfulness to perish.

He’s shown the world a love so pure, it pierces through every sin-stained soul. It fills voids, cleanses hearts and never dies! He’s truly amazing and I’m forever grateful for the greatest shepherd of all time! If I learned anything, it was to give back the same reckless love, the same forgiveness, the same compassion, that was given to me. To be a shadow, a vessel for Jesus and the kingdom of God. And that’s what I’m going to do until I leave earth to reside with the God-Head in Heaven.

If you want to experience this love, this reckless love, stop running from Him and run to Him! Let God in, let Him embrace you! He wants nothing more than to heal your hurts. He wants to mend the seeping wounds of your soul, He wants to commune with you. Our souls desire interaction and intimacy with God- in which He designed it to be that way.  All He’s waiting on is your permission, your yes. Will you let Him in? Will you open your heart and accept His reckless, unwavering, undying, unchanging love?  I challenge you to do so! It only gets better from there!

Survivor ➡️ Overcomer

Scriptures:

• Revelation 12:11 ” And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life, even when they faced death.

• Romans 8: 37 ” But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.”

Definitions:

Survivor:

to remain alive or in existence. Or, a person who lives through a life event that many die from.

Overcomer:

an individual that not only survives opposition but defeats it, flips it around and uses it to give God the well-deserved glory. And brings others out of bondage.

T R A N S P A R E N T • M O M E N T

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is learn to love myself. Every imperfection, scar, bruise, flaw everything. It’s not easy and every day I’m working on it. You see, being broken is all I’ve ever known. I didn’t love anything about myself because I was a fatherless child. I never had a daddy to tell me I was beautiful, to take me to dances, out to dinner, to school events, etc. The only males that I’ve ever encountered in my life were negative and abusive. It broke my heart and crushed my spirit. I’ve always dreamt of being a daddy’s girl growing up. It really didn’t happen. I was battling so much alone, and eventually, depression crept in. I began warring for my life- literally! I was so overwhelmed, the devil had me believing I was defeated and would die depressed. And for a long time, I believed it.

 

I went through years of depression. Suicide was on my mind heavy and constant. But In the midst of the ugly God started working and I mean working!!! I can finally say, that He’s restoring me, I’m on a road to wholeness! I no longer have that mind and I’m no longer depressed! -Thank You JESUS! God was not only working on me; but my relationship with my biological father. He’s rebuilding my confidence, He’s restoring the joy, peace, and faith I lost along the way. As well as the strength to tell my story. He’s transitioning me from broken to healed and whole. He’s switching my title from survivor to overcomer.

From survivor of suicide to suicide OVERCOMER. From survivor of depression to depression OVERCOMER. Abuse survivor to Abuse Overcomer! Y’all, it’s a rough process, a battle worth fighting. I know with God, I will overcome everything! With victory over the things that almost caused me my life, that snatched away my sanity, joy and so much more. I don’t have it together, but with God, I will overcome.

I can honestly testify that- I was the MOST broken, lost, abused, neglected, rebellious, mean and fearful sheep. A sheep who went astray due to fear, rejection, and shame. A sheep who Jesus pursued after and rescued from the pit. A sheep who was loved and redeemed by a HOLY GOD who thought I was worth dying for. My sins and all! – My journey of healing and overcoming is just beginning- I’m just thankful I’m no longer traveling through this season alone. He never leaves or forsakes His children and that’s a promise He’s never broken. I’m SO thankful for being adopted by the Most High as His own daughter. To know that I will never be a Fatherless child again makes my heart smile. We aren’t defeated, we are chosen and with the help our Father and Savior Jesus Christ, we will overcome.

shirt by: Amanda Ferguson ❤️

A new thing…

 

 

 

I literally couldn’t have said this better myself. I’ve gone through a lot of hell throughout my life. Depression, low self-esteem, attempted suicide, fear of rejection and different categories of abuse! I’ve battled many things, I’ve lost a lot of people, been mistreated and lied on. I’ve carried unnecessary weight, kept myself in bondage to protect others- while at the same time I was destroying myself.  But in 2016 Jesus started a transition and this year 2017 He promised to complete it. No, my walk is not like anyone else’s and no it won’t always make sense to others. It didn’t to me at first, but God said in Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I will do a new thing!” It was hard to understand at first, But it’s what God gave me and I wouldn’t change it. I’ve experienced people I’ve loved my entire life, reject me. Some said I was being deceived and that it wasn’t God who told me to go on this spiritual journey.  The pain was awful- but I remembered what God promised me. I’ve cried SO much, I’ve lost more than I’ve gained, but Jesus said there’s a price to pay when we walk with Him. He never leaves us empty or alone eventually, He adds to us and replaces everything we lost with greater things. We just have to keep walking, no matter how hard it gets,  no matter who hard the winds blow, no matter what dark storms blow in, keep moving forward. When this all started and He told me ” You are free” so many things he came to mind. Am I going crazy?!  Was He telling me I’m free from my past? Would I be free from the bondage that stole 16+ years of my life? Am I free to walk in my calling? Eventually, I got the answers and one things for sure, God cannot make mistakes. I’m still going through this very day, I am learning how to fully trust God, to take my hands complete off the situation and give it to Him. But trust is hard for me but I’m praying and working at it daily. One thing that my sister reminded me of is Romans 8:28 “And we know ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Meaning the hell I went through, the depression, the years of darkness, the separation, to the very year of deliverance; God was using my story for His Glory! HE was qualifying me for my purpose/calling. No, I’m not perfect and yes I have a long way to go! Yes, this road He has me on is bumpy at certain points, it’s hard to see the good in it at times, but one things for sure, I will not quit. My life is a testimony, my life matters to Him and that’s enough for me!