Transparent Moment: silent battles
Lately I’ve been battling through emotional and spiritual wounds. Resulting from battling through a life long war in silence, which I found out is dangerous. I’m not too proud to admit I struggle daily. And I’m talking about a struggle! I don’t sleep but maybe 15- 20 hours a week if that! – which is a whole issue alone. I can’t lie, it’s draining, I’m tired a lot, many won’t understand, especially if you’ve never experienced it. I found that when I can barely function worship music and praying helps me throughout the day. The non sleeping is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s time to dig to the root of things. The foundation of the battle.
Tug-Of-War, yes that’s what’s happening. Tugging and pulling to be happy daily. Many days I’m fine, others not so much. Some days I can laugh and smile, other days I’m uncertain of how I feel . At night I spend my time awake overthinking. You know the what if’s, I should haves- all the good stuff! There’s times I feel so alone and misunderstood… Some days I feel close to the freedom God promised me, other days I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.
It’s a daily battle to maintain sanity. From the trauma I tried to cover up with a “bandaid” to me constantly trying to make myself forget what happened. – it’s draining. Some days I rip the bandaid off in hopes of a fast healing, and when it doesn’t happen, with a bit of frustration, I cover it back up. Because patience is something I just don’t have down quite yet. The struggle is SO real!I never say much about this side of me because of the judgement I’ve already gotten…. But PTSD. PTSD is something I never heard about until I went through it. Because when you’ve carried the weight of such trauma and hold everything in, this is the result. PTSD. Post traumatic Stress Disorder…
Who knew the abuse I suffered wouldn’t compare to the painful damage I carried into adulthood? PTSD! While battling through this, I’d made sure everyone was happy. Yet I’m the one who wasn’t . Why? Because I absolutely love to see others happy! Something I haven’t been my whole life.. If they’re happy that’s enough. So, I thought. But God didn’t agree with that one bit. He didn’t call us to suffer, He called to thrive!
God has been dealing with me, and these wounds I’ve carried. It hasn’t been an easy road and it’s literally my fault. Because again and again, I hand God my problems and like clock work, I took them all back. The Tug-A-War effect was back into play. I grew weary grabbing the baggage, keeping it bottled in so nobody knew about me, but me. The cycle repeated until I literally had a breakdown. I finally realized I was wrong, I can’t fix this, it’s God’s job. Healing is something only He can do. So in His hands , everything stays.
No, I didn’t write this for pity! I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. I’m doing a whole lot better! Thanks be to God! I did write this to let someone else know it’s okay, not to be okay. But you CAN’T stay in that season.
Sometimes society and even people we’re close to has a standard that they feel must be met. Even from wounded people. And sadly, those who struggle “fake it until they make it.” yet, in the long run, it never gets them anywhere. It just causes the wounds to become infected and with a rapid effect, it consumes you. But, honey, you don’t have to do this anymore. God has a healing with your name on it. Take time to heal, self care is so VITAL. As I’m learning this daily, which honestly is a bit of a struggle still for me.
I used to think, “well I’ve don’t do this and that. I don’t have this and that, so this doesn’t apply to me.” NO! It’s a lie from the pit of hell! Don’t believe it! I don’t care what was said and done God is the fixer of all problems, healer of all broken hearts, lover of all souls. Forgiver of all sins, mender of brokenness of EVERY kind! Satan is a liar, and so is fear, sometimes both of them can wear us down! Yet neither of them can defeat us with Christ Jesus by our side.
If I learned anything through this storm of mine it would be that is God is FAITHFUL to do just what He said! Some seasons He’s going to be quiet and I learned that no matter what He’s there. He never left. He wants to take care of us, we just have to let Him be God, hand everything over and leave it there! Yes, I’ve struggled, still do, but it’s getting better. I believe God’s going to completely heal me from the anxiety and everything else! I believe this for those battling through it as well. He’s able! So even in this season, of struggles, pain, healing and dealing with life’s blows, I will trust Him. His plans are forever greater than mine.
And when God is done doing all that He promised, tell the world about it. Scream it from the rooftops about How the King of The world came to save you. Testify of His goodness! Your testimony will heal others. Your voice has power! ❤️