As I look back over my life. And I’m in awe of God’s goodness and mercy towards me. When I was born I wasn’t expected to live, I was born several months early! From the time I was born, all the way into my 20’s, I endured quite a bit of warfare! Stuff most don’t survive! Why? Because the pain is too great! Especially without God. – Y’all just know how close suicide was at my door or how much I struggled to even want to live!
I suffered through a lot of it in silence! Which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. All because I was afraid of the judgment. Plus reliving it and talking about it hurt! I also wanted to live up to everyone’s expectations. Going to college, getting a car, my own place and dealing with so much more. I tried, completely broken. No one really understood the depth. Being broken you CAN’T do anything, if you’ve never been here, you will never understand it. As much as I wanted to be the very best, I was VERY broken, no, shattered. I felt like nobody would EVER understand. The late nights I cried alone silently, the pain was so deep. The next morning I would wake up like nothing ever happened, and go on with my day.
But it never got better. I became so mean and bitter. I then went from angry to broken and l then sad. I snapped often, I was also VERY defensive. All those emotions overtook my life! I got to the point where I wanted to be free. I just didn’t know how.
I finally got on my knees and cried out to God. And I mean CRIED! I don’t know how long I was down there. I didn’t know if He was going to answer me. All I knew was the pain was too much. I struggled with believing in Him. I heard of God and Jesus. I went to church faithfully growing up. I just didn’t have a personal relationship with Him. So I didn’t know Him or haven’t experienced Him personally. As I sat there, I felt a coolness, a Heavenly presence was in the room. It was peaceful. I opened my bible up, I didn’t know where to go from there but He did. God vegan flipped the pages of the Bible that sat in front of me, I began to weep! He proved Himself to me. A doubter. But even in this, I felt so many mixed emotions. I couldn’t understand why I had to endure what I did or why He picked me. Why I was so broken, or what love was. I felt so discouraged, like my life meant nothing and was nothing. But God soon let me know I was chosen to endure this, to be an example for someone else, to show them that it’s possible, through Him to overcome any form of brokenness, abuse or sickness!
Today I’m beyond grateful! Through God, endless counseling sessions with my Christian therapist, the prayer warriors over me and my sister in Christ Amanda Ferguson, I’m healing! I’m growing, I’m learning to love who God is forming me to be. So here I am celebrating life. Another birthday I swore I wouldn’t see! To see yet another birthday is a miracle in my eyes! I said this last year, I know but if you’ve ever gone through what I’ve been through you’d understand the depth of gratitude I have! It’s not always happy, happy joy filled days. I have several days where I’m tired and I cry. And I’m okay with this, it means I’m healing. It’s all apart of my journey.
One thing I’ve learned is that I serve an “ I don’t care how broken you are, just let me love you back to life, kind of God!” He’s been faithful in the healing business!
Every single day I wake up is God’s way of reminding me of how much He loves me! And how I was worth fighting for, even when I couldn’t believe it. Going through the trials I’ve endured hurt, but nothing and I mean NOTHING can convince me that God is not REAL and that He doesn’t save! – I’m living proof that even the most tattered heart means the most to Him.
My birthday is a reminder of the new life I was given when He once again breathed into my dying body. When He restored the hope I deemed to be forever lost. Today was such a powerful birthday. It wasn’t about the gifts, gift cards and flowers. Although they warmed my heart, it was the love that completely overtook me. The overwhelming love, a Godly love. Oh how it weighed so heavy on me. The tears filled my eyes, God knew what I needed today. Y’all I can’t believe how far I’ve come! These are 20’s I swore I wouldn’t live to see. I knew I would be dead and gone! But that was not at all the case! God turned it!!! I’m a new creation through His perfect love! Although, I am nowhere near who I want to be, I am thankful that I’m not who I used to be. I’m healing, and for that, I’m forever thankful!