Tug-A-War

Transparent Moment: silent battles

Lately I’ve been battling through emotional and spiritual wounds. Resulting from battling through a life long war in silence, which I found out is dangerous. I’m not too proud to admit I struggle daily. And I’m talking about a struggle! I don’t sleep but maybe 15- 20 hours a week if that! – which is a whole issue alone. I can’t lie, it’s draining, I’m tired a lot, many won’t understand, especially if you’ve never experienced it. I found that when I can barely function worship music and praying helps me throughout the day. The non sleeping is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s time to dig to the root of things. The foundation of the battle.

Tug-Of-War, yes that’s what’s happening. Tugging and pulling to be happy daily. Many days I’m fine, others not so much. Some days I can laugh and smile, other days I’m uncertain of how I feel . At night I spend my time awake overthinking. You know the what if’s, I should haves- all the good stuff! There’s times I feel so alone and misunderstood… Some days I feel close to the freedom God promised me, other days I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.

It’s a daily battle to maintain sanity. From the trauma I tried to cover up with a “bandaid” to me constantly trying to make myself forget what happened. – it’s draining. Some days I rip the bandaid off in hopes of a fast healing, and when it doesn’t happen, with a bit of frustration, I cover it back up. Because patience is something I just don’t have down quite yet. The struggle is SO real!I never say much about this side of me because of the judgement I’ve already gotten…. But PTSD. PTSD is something I never heard about until I went through it. Because when you’ve carried the weight of such trauma and hold everything in, this is the result. PTSD. Post traumatic Stress Disorder…

Who knew the abuse I suffered wouldn’t compare to the painful damage I carried into adulthood? PTSD! While battling through this, I’d made sure everyone was happy. Yet I’m the one who wasn’t . Why? Because I absolutely love to see others happy! Something I haven’t been my whole life.. If they’re happy that’s enough. So, I thought. But God didn’t agree with that one bit. He didn’t call us to suffer, He called to thrive!

God has been dealing with me, and these wounds I’ve carried. It hasn’t been an easy road and it’s literally my fault. Because again and again, I hand God my problems and like clock work, I took them all back. The Tug-A-War effect was back into play. I grew weary grabbing the baggage, keeping it bottled in so nobody knew about me, but me. The cycle repeated until I literally had a breakdown. I finally realized I was wrong, I can’t fix this, it’s God’s job. Healing is something only He can do. So in His hands , everything stays.

No, I didn’t write this for pity! I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. I’m doing a whole lot better! Thanks be to God! I did write this to let someone else know it’s okay, not to be okay. But you CAN’T stay in that season.

Sometimes society and even people we’re close to has a standard that they feel must be met. Even from wounded people. And sadly, those who struggle “fake it until they make it.” yet, in the long run, it never gets them anywhere. It just causes the wounds to become infected and with a rapid effect, it consumes you. But, honey, you don’t have to do this anymore. God has a healing with your name on it. Take time to heal, self care is so VITAL. As I’m learning this daily, which honestly is a bit of a struggle still for me.

I used to think, “well I’ve don’t do this and that. I don’t have this and that, so this doesn’t apply to me.” NO! It’s a lie from the pit of hell! Don’t believe it! I don’t care what was said and done God is the fixer of all problems, healer of all broken hearts, lover of all souls. Forgiver of all sins, mender of brokenness of EVERY kind! Satan is a liar, and so is fear, sometimes both of them can wear us down! Yet neither of them can defeat us with Christ Jesus by our side.

If I learned anything through this storm of mine it would be that is God is FAITHFUL to do just what He said! Some seasons He’s going to be quiet and I learned that no matter what He’s there. He never left. He wants to take care of us, we just have to let Him be God, hand everything over and leave it there! Yes, I’ve struggled, still do, but it’s getting better. I believe God’s going to completely heal me from the anxiety and everything else! I believe this for those battling through it as well. He’s able! So even in this season, of struggles, pain, healing and dealing with life’s blows, I will trust Him. His plans are forever greater than mine.

And when God is done doing all that He promised, tell the world about it. Scream it from the rooftops about How the King of The world came to save you. Testify of His goodness! Your testimony will heal others. Your voice has power! ❤️

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Reckless Love

Scripture:

Luke 15:1-10 (I recommend you read whole chapter though.)

Then all the tax collectors and the sinners drew near to Him to hear Him.And the Pharisees and scribes complained, saying, “This Man  receives sinners and eats with them.”So He spoke this parable to them, saying:“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and neighbors, saying to them,‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I say to you that likewise there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance. “Or what woman, having ten silvercoins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls her friends and neighbors together, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the piece which I lost!’ Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.

Definition:

Reckless: carelessness, irresponsibility, thoughtlessness when it comes to actions and consequences!

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.

Both words mean two completely different things. But what happens when the words collide. What is reckless love? What does it mean?

When I first heard the phrase, “reckless love”- I didn’t have a clue what it was, nor what it meant. But it caught my attention, so I decided to research it.  Reckless love is a love that never wavers, it pursues after you, even when we aren’t deserving.  It never waivers or dies. I thought about it and I couldn’t really point out any personal experiences of this. Until I thought about God’s love.

I began to look over my life, all the pain, tears and brokenness that consumed me. The wounds that left behind after every battle I’ve gone through. Scars I wear today, scars that proves I’ve overcame! But not on my own, with God, God’s love, His Reckless Love!! I did indeed experience reckless love! Way back on Calvary, when my selfless savior died a gruesome death for me. It was God’s reckless love that caused Him to come and see about me. He came when I was deep in the trenches of depression and darkness. It was His reckless love that stopped me from committing suicide. Sending my sister in at just the right time to take the knife. It was His love the that helped me feel at peace in the wreck I called life. I was torn up and I honestly waited for it to consume me, literally.

I was constantly warring and found myself ready to give up. But one day, God came to see me, I was in the kitchen at my grandmothers house. I was having issues with my faith, which has always been a battle throughout my life. I knew He was real, but when He was silent it got hard to believe. I asked Him with tears in my eyes ” If you’re real like like I want to believe, come visit me, show Yourself. Soon after, I took my bible out and began to search the pages. I said, ” Lord if You here me, please tell me where to read, where am I to go?” I sat there, I felt defeated yet again, until something caught my eye.

I saw something move, I saw out the corner of my eye, and couldn’t believe it, the pages of my bible were moving! My hands were in my lap at the time. There weren’t any fans or the air going. Nor were there any windows open. God was moving the pages with His finger, once my eyes studied the movement, He turned the pages! He was there, He loved me even in my doubt, even when I was upset with God, He still loved me. He still chose to come see about me, His reckless love proves to be faithful no matter what. The tears began to flow down my cheeks, that encounter was only the beginning.

After that encounter, I could feel a peaceful presence standing at my bed, watching me, a protective presence! He would speak to me, I began to see flickers of light (angels) outside my window. He began to show me reminders of His love through the signs in the sky, through His word, an answered prayer, and through other people. He’s done so much for me and ya’ll I don’t deserve it!  I was in the muddiest of messes. I have messed up countless times. And I know I will fall short again down the road. But He never takes His love away, He loves us through it!

His reckless love is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m thankful that Jesus saw fit to leave His flock of 99 sheep (the righteous followers)  to come get me, the 1 lost sheep! When by right, He should’ve turned His back on me and left me in my sinfulness to perish.

He’s shown the world a love so pure, it pierces through every sin stained soul. It fills voids, cleanses hearts and never dies! He’s truly amazing and I’m forever grateful for the greatest shepherd of all time! If I learned anything, it was to give back the same reckless love, the same forgiveness, the same compassion, that was given to me. To be a shadow, a vessel for Jesus and the kingdom of God. And that’s what I’m going to do until I leave earth to reside with the God-Head in Heaven.

If you want experience this love, this reckless love, stop running from Him and run to Him! Let God in, let Him embrace you! He wants nothing more than to heal your hurts. He wants to mend the seeping wounds of your soul, He wants to commune with you. Our souls desire interaction and intimacy with God- in which He designed it to be that way.  All He’s waiting on is your yes, Will you let Him in? Will you open your heart and accept His reckless, unwavering, undying, unchanging love?  I challenge you to do so!

Survivor ➡️ Overcomer

Scriptures:

• Revelation 12:11 ” And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life, even when they faced death.

• Romans 8: 37 ” But in all these things, we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.”

Definitions:

Survivor:

to remain alive or in existence. Or, a person who lives through a life event that many die from.

Overcomer:

an individual that not only survives opposition but defeats it, flips it around and uses it to give God the well-deserved glory. And brings others out of bondage.

T R A N S P A R E N T • M O M E N T

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is learn to love myself. Every imperfection, scar, bruise, flaw everything. It’s not easy and every day I’m working on it. You see, being broken is all I’ve ever known. I didn’t love anything about myself because I was a fatherless child. I never had a daddy to tell me I was beautiful, to take me to dances, out to dinner, to school events, etc. The only males that I’ve ever encountered in my life were negative and abusive. It broke my heart and crushed my spirit. I’ve always dreamt of being a daddy’s girl growing up. It really didn’t happen. I was battling so much alone, and eventually, depression crept in. I began warring for my life- literally! I was so overwhelmed, the devil had me believing I was defeated and would die depressed. And for a long time, I believed it.

 

I went through years of depression. Suicide was on my mind heavy and constant. But In the midst of the ugly God started working and I mean working!!! I can finally say, that He’s restoring me, I’m on a road to wholeness! I no longer have that mind and I’m no longer depressed! -Thank You JESUS! God was not only working on me; but my relationship with my biological father. He’s rebuilding my confidence, He’s restoring the joy, peace, and faith I lost along the way. As well as the strength to tell my story. He’s transitioning me from broken to healed and whole. He’s switching my title from survivor to overcomer.

From survivor of suicide to suicide OVERCOMER. From survivor of depression to depression OVERCOMER. Abuse survivor to Abuse Overcomer! Y’all, it’s a rough process, a battle worth fighting. I know with God, I will overcome everything! With victory over the things that almost caused me my life, that snatched away my sanity, joy and so much more. I don’t have it together, but with God, I will overcome.

I can honestly testify that- I was the MOST broken, lost, abused, neglected, rebellious, mean and fearful sheep. A sheep who went astray due to fear, rejection, and shame. A sheep who Jesus pursued after and rescued from the pit. A sheep who was loved and redeemed by a HOLY GOD who thought I was worth dying for. My sins and all! – My journey of healing and overcoming is just beginning- I’m just thankful I’m no longer traveling through this season alone. He never leaves or forsakes His children and that’s a promise He’s never broken. I’m SO thankful for being adopted by the Most High as His own daughter. To know that I will never be a Fatherless child again makes my heart smile. We aren’t defeated, we are chosen and with the help our Father and Savior Jesus Christ, we will overcome.

shirt by: Amanda Ferguson ❤️

The Fatherless Seeking The Father

Father -1  a : a man who has begotten a child; also : sire b capitalize (1) : God (2) : the first person of the Trinity: often of particular power or influence who serves as an emotional substitute for a physical or earthly father!

Scripture References:

Psalm 68:5 “A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His Holy dwelling.”

John 14:18 “Will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you!”

1John 3:1 “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.”


Growing up I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl. My heart longed for that. I wanted to be able to participate in daddy/daughter school dances, see him at my sport functions, pray with me, go to dinner, and celebrate our birthdays together since they’re a day apart. But it never happened, I was disappointed yet I learned to accept it. Just not fully because everyone needs a good Father to help them love and grow. A fathers love is so important. As a small child I looked for a father figure, but going through trauma cut off all desires to have a father. So as I became a teenager and now an adult I realize how much I need a father. Especially now. Childhood trauma is the worse thing you can go through and if not handled correctly it can cause destruction. It leaves the deepest wounds & it can make you hardhearted! Without even realizing it, you build walls, boarders and barriers up around your heart. You don’t know how to love anyone fully, you don’t feel like you use to, you grow up physically but are premature spiritually, emotionally and mentally. You’ve taught yourself to “live” in fear, afraid to live, afraid to open up and you make things okay for others when it’s really not. Your mind is a literal prison that doesn’t have any windows, bars or light. You lack trust, which causes you to live a very limited life. So limited you stop living and just survive. How do I know this you ask? – I lived it. As a child I cried out to Him, He never answered. Or at least I never heard His voice. So when He asked me to trust Him, to trust Him as my father- I couldn’t even do it. I didn’t know how.  I never had an earthly father to show me how to receive love, to build a relationship with or trust. I was fearful of men. So what ended up happening is I lived a life so deep in pain that I literally closed Him out too without realizing it. It consumed me.  I know He wants in and I can’t even figure out how to remove the barriers of my heart, yet He does! God wanted to come in so long ago in my life as a father, He’s knocked, He’s spoken to me and I didn’t know how to open the door. I was so messed up, broken and didn’t trust Him. And He is freeing me from this place.  And guess what?! You don’t have to stay there either! Only one can fix it, only one can heal you and make you whole. He’s The Father, God of the Heavens, The Way Maker and Father of Jesus Christ. As The Father, God’s main desire is to provide for you, love you, heal you and free you! He waits for us to make that decision, He waits at the door of our hearts. He’s ready to mend what’s been broken, He’s ready to build that firm relationship, He wants our hearts completely, our trust, our love-He wants it all! It’s hard to do ( I’m a witness) but it must be done. If we stay in the same place we’ll eventually die there. As the time goes by, I’ve been constantly praying saying,  “Dear Lord help me, take the barriers away that I’ve built up, help me to trust You with every ounce of me, teach me to see You as the Father, my father,the provider, as well as God.  Show how to love, trust and know You. Help me to know my rightful place as your daughter and when all else fails; help me to remember You do not!”  In Jesus name amen. – Just a simple, honest prayer can change your whole life, I believe it’s going to happen!

I Didn’t Marry My Dream Husband

I Didn’t Marry My Dream Husband

A Must Read!!

Amanda Ferguson

Hey ladies!

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Now on to the blog…


This may take you as a surprise, but I absolutely did NOT marry my dream husband.

Like most singles, I had my “list” of what my dream husband HAD to contain. After the prerequisite of loving and serving Jesus of course and some of the other generic things that most women want, these three attributes were on my top MUST have list in a dream husband:

-Must be an accountant 

-Must look like Denzel Washington 

-Must know how to barbeque

You may look at that list and laugh, but they meant everything to me! I refused to marry someone who…

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A new thing…

 

 

235971-just-because-my-path-is-different-doesn-t-mean-i-m-lost

 

I literally couldn’t have said this better myself. I’ve gone through a lot of hell throughout my life. Depression, low self-esteem, attempted suicide, fear of rejection and different categories of abuse! I’ve battled many things, I’ve lost a lot of people, been mistreated and lied on. I’ve carried unnecessary weight, kept myself in bondage to protect others- while at the same time I was destroying myself.  But in 2016 Jesus started a transition and this year 2017 He promised to complete it. No, my walk is not like anyone else’s and no it won’t always make sense to others. It didn’t to me at first, but God said in Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I will do a new thing!” It was hard to understand at first, But it’s what God gave me and I wouldn’t change it. I’ve experienced people I’ve loved my entire life, reject me. Some said I was being deceived and that it wasn’t God who told me to go on this spiritual journey.  The pain was awful- but I remembered what God promised me. I’ve cried SO much, I’ve lost more than I’ve gained, but Jesus said there’s a price to pay when we walk with Him. He never leaves us empty or alone eventually, He adds to us and replaces everything we lost with greater things. We just have to keep walking, no matter how hard it gets,  no matter who hard the winds blow, no matter what dark storms blow in, keep moving forward. When this all started and He told me ” You are free” so many things he came to mind. Am I going crazy?!  Was He telling me I’m free from my past? Would I be free from the bondage that stole 16+ years of my life? Am I free to walk in my calling? Eventually, I got the answers and one things for sure, God cannot make mistakes. I’m still going through this very day, I am learning how to fully trust God, to take my hands complete off the situation and give it to Him. But trust is hard for me but I’m praying and working at it daily. One thing that my sister reminded me of is Romans 8:28 “And we know ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Meaning the hell I went through, the depression, the years of darkness, the separation, to the very year of deliverance; God was using my story for His Glory! HE was qualifying me for my purpose/calling. No, I’m not perfect and yes I have a long way to go! Yes, this road He has me on is bumpy at certain points, it’s hard to see the good in it at times, but one things for sure, I will not quit. My life is a testimony, my life matters to Him and that’s enough for me!

The Atonement

Romans 5:11  “And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.”

Atonement: the reconciliation of God and humankind through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ.

When I first saw the word atonement, I didn’t  know what it meant, but I knew it was a powerful word. When I researched the definition of atonement I learned that it’s a powerful thing, actually, one of the most powerful, game changing, life sparing, selfless acts that Jesus could’ve ever done. He paid the ultimate price for us, being tortured for our  sins. He was killed for a sinful world, yet guilty of nothing but His love for us. When He took His final breath He conquered death, darkness, and He rose up with ALL power!
Today as I sit here in the waiting room while my 2-year-old nephew is undergoing a serious surgery, God reminded me of The Atonement. He brought back to me what it really meant, what His blood shed did and still does for us today.  He died for this baby and rose up again with Kingston on His mind. His blood heals and purifies Kingston’s little body and we rejoice even now because Jesus stands with ALL power. Around 3 pm, Kingston came out of surgery and they’ve put him in PICU. They have him in an induced coma for a day or so to help heal the hole that was in his esophagus.But even in this God has miraculously reduced his surgery length and He blessed him with a high rated nurse. God has definitely moved throughout this long day in ways big and small.   He had absolutely NO issues with his oxygen dropping like the last several times and He blessed him with a highly recommended and over qualified nurse. God has definitely moved throughout this long day in ways big and small. My heart is SO full today.