Surrender.

Surrender: the act of giving the control or use of something to someone else completely.

Job 11:13-15 “Surrender your heart to God, turn to Him in prayer, and give up your sins—even those you do in secret. Then you won’t be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless.

When you hear the word surrender what comes to mind? How does it make you feel? I know when I really began to study surrendering I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, I didn’t understand the depth of surrendering. Until now…

I have been traveling on this long endless journey to my total healing. It has truly been a life long journey. It was a personal dream to be completely free from the bondage that held me captive.

As a small child, I went through a very traumatic experience that left me broken, numb, lifeless even. It was a dark, dark place. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know God, and I didn’t know how to pray. I was so broken and I harbored it up into adulthood (up until this point).

When I came to truly seek Him, I was so unsure how to start. I didn’t know how to get His attention or how even to approach Him. All I knew is He was so perfect and that made me want to run and hide all of my imperfections from Him! Sins included. — Which is so funny when I think about it now. God’s never clueless, He knows everything about us and sees the things we do, before we even do it. Just knowing that made me feel so guilty and unworthy to approach such powerful and just God! So I cowered away, again!

I went through what I call a tug-a-war season. I wanted God’s help, I wanted Him to cleanse the wounds, heal my broken heart, and to love me. But like clockwork, as soon as I let Him get close enough and I felt His presence, I became fearful and bottled everything back up.

The thoughts of my past and my sins consumed me. It doubled-me over jat times, just thinking about it. I said to myself, “If I feel this way about myself, I can’t imagine God not feeling this way about me or worse. So I did what I do best, I ran.

I took all of the baggage back and shut Him back out. My mind kept going back to my past, the sins I’ve committed and I couldn’t find a reason why a perfect God would love a sinner like me.

One evening, I was sitting in a youth gathering. When the woman who held the meeting, (who’s Holy Ghost filled) asked us why we feel God won’t save us. We sat therein silence. It was a good question, I started to really process the question.

I begin to answer her, I told her about how great my sins were and how I don’t really know God but knowing He’s a God who is Just, pure and mighty. That I’m afraid to approach Him in fear of what He thought. That I just felt so small, so filthy and so unworthy of His help.

When I looked up, she was in tears. She looked at me and said, “Honey, you can go to God, I don’t care what how great the sin, or what others say! He loves you, wants to forgive you, deliver you and fill you with His spirit! We’ll pray He delivers you from that mindset. Walk as if you’re already saved and delivered and it will happen! — SURRENDER!”

I just looked at her and shook my head in agreement. But I didn’t act on it, because I was BATTLING in my mind! I was literally a war zone and doubt was winning. I’m talking about a war that was ongoing 24/7, yes, even at night. I never slept, I just stared in the darkness and cried! I thought there has to be more to me than this.. Was this really what my life would be like for the rest of my days? NO! — I refuse to suffer in this cycle!!!

Y’all, something clicked. One day I was really trying to get in touch with God. I began to start a conversation with Him. Sometimes I got His answer and sometimes I missed it. Which was discouraging?! But I kept pressing. I got in the prayer line, at church at the altar call. But it wasn’t until I really opened my heart, fell to my knees, cried in desperation, at my home; that I received my breakthrough!

He spoke so clearly and His actual presence filled the house. He said He loved me, He began to tell that I lacked trust in Him. Which rooted from fear. Having that intimate moment with God changed my life! It felt like He scooped the pain out of my heart with His bare hands. Y’all, surrendering to a perfect God while broken before Him, CHANGED. MY. LIFE. It broke a barrier that I had standing between Him and I. (A barrier I clung on to my entire childhood.) — All because of me choosing to surrender to Him!

Today as a woman of God, I can say I don’t have that problem anymore. Coming to Him is like 2nd nature! I can picture Him at times, shaking His head when I come! Like “daughter we just spoke, welcome back!” Lol!

Whether it’s on your knees, on your face, while walking, at work, in tears, in a journal or out loud, talk to Jesus! Give Him your all!

When I am wrong, when things are good, when things are bad; I talk to Him! To cry out to Him. It helps tremendously! Y’all, I know I am FAR from perfect, ( He’s perfecting me) but I literally can’t thank Him enough for the place I’m currently at! Even to this day, I don’t deserve such a perfect GOD or His perfect love! Yet, He sees fit to give it to me freely, everyday. And I’m so thankful. Surrendering, prayers, and honesty changes things.